work.  a big part of life, mine anyway. and i don't USUALLY complain.  work lets me be me.  its always been a big part of me.  i do my best, and take pride.  so, with that said. the 'work' i've been doing for the last two and a half years has literally left me with PTSD, an unresolved unfair labor lawsuit i am vested in, a sour taste in my mouth - and... yes, my hiney a bit sore from being pumbled by the man.  or, should i say, a woman in a pant suit and a strap on.  it was the hardest work i've ever done, and i did it well.  but, i declare today.... I AIN'T GONNA WORK SO NO SOUL SUCKING JERK I'M GONNA TAKE IT ALL BACK YOU SEE!

Now, not now... but now. I am have aligned my professional with my personal my emotional with my practical and am grateful for what the goddess has done is doing,  and are about to do in my life.  give thanks... the more you say thank you, the less you say please.  SPIKE, you sometimes say the most profound fucking shit...

my lil man cam....

ldld

Marinate and Serve

It’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. In the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with me…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. 

It is fact that I am not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what I am … and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.  It is important to love and champion myself to stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to me – or didn’t do for me – the only thing I can really count on is the unexpected. 

Stop judging and pointing fingers and begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.  Learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view to begin reassessing and redefining who I am and what I stand for. 

Power Thought of the Day

I am not limited by any past thinking.  I choose my own thoughts with care.  I constantly have new insights and new ways of looking at the world.  I am willing to change and grow.

"It's only a thought, and a thought can change"

Mothership Memo to Cam

me and my bebe, cam, at whale tale park in west seattle

dadda and grandma took you to see dr. hott for your 9 month wellness exam - i had to call and conference in on the telephone because of work.  as suspected, you over acheived, growing a whopping 7 inches in 3.5 months and gaining 4 pounds.. (height 98.7%, weight 87.9%).  i hope mama's massages are helpin you with the growing pains i'm sure you're having.  we have a green light to feed you table food now... so far you've tried and loved - eggs with cheddar cheese, toast w/ peanut butter, yogurt, pancakes, eggo waffles, french toast, mac and cheese, carrots, apples, banana's, oatmeal.  

you were born to eat, but need to stop the new fad of spitting food at us when we feed you.. new stuff:  feeding yourself finger foods, four new top teeth, drinking from sippy cup, rash on face from teething (poor baby!), spending play time outside, swings and slides at whale tale park.  you r talking so much, and so close to walking. any day now! you understand a lot of things me and dada say to you:



wanna take a bath
are you hungry
where are you going
where's the kitty
i'm gonna tickle you
come to mama
open it / close it
lets get dressed
bye bye
did you do you're business (which you laugh if there is poopy pants invovled!)

such a happy baby, bringing so much joy  and love to our family. we love you so much.  oh, and another thing!  boy are you a climber, lets learn to walk before climb please! thank you!

10 + 7 + 5

So, I'm working on the following journal project.  Life is such a trip.  You take the same life, of the same person, and look at it a different way and all of a sudden, BAM!, a different life.  It's all so trivial and objective.  The only thing absolute is the intangible - family, love, faith, etc. It makes my mind-meld and fuse when I think of it like that. It almost feels like a chemical or molecular change happens when I accept this absolute truth. Things that make you go hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Ten 10 Moments: In every person's life, there have been moments, both positive and negative, that have defined and redefined who you are. Those events entered your consciousness with such power that they changed the very core of who and what you thought you were. A part of you was changed by those events, and caused you to define yourself, to some degree by your experience of that event.

7 Critical Choices: There are a surprisingly small number of choices that rise to the level of life-changing ones. Critical choices are those that have changed your life, positively or negatively, and are major factors in determining who and what you will become. They are the choices that have affected your life up to today, and have set you on a path.


5 Pivotal People: These are the people who have left indelible impressions on your concept of self, and therefore, the life you live. They may be family members, friends or co-workers, and their influences can be either positive or negative. They are people who can determine whether you live consistently with your authentic self, or instead live a counterfeit life controlled by a fictional self that has crowded out who you really are.

Power Thought of the Day

Taken on Our Honeymoon
Landing in Maui, Hawaii

The ocean of life is lavish with it's abundance. 

All of my needs and desires are met before I even ask. 

My good comes from everywhere, everyone and everything.

There is plenty for everyone, including me.

... and where is there a place more abundant and alive than Hawaii, our planet is born and rests in the Hi'iaka (mother's bosom) of Pele.  Picture appropriate, check.

Christmas 2011

This was our lil boy's first Christmas. We are grateful to have shared it with Nana, from California, and our extended family in Federal Way on Daddy's side of the blood line. Got to meet Aunt Jackie, Aunt Jenel, Uncle Warren, Cousin Patrick, Uncle Max for the first time... and saw those met at the family reunion in Shelton, Washington this past September.  Cam took the most adorable photo with Santa, mamma standing in front of the tree saying ho, ho, ho, merrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry christmas and pointing to the Santa ornament really helped him feel at ease with Santa... first shot was a money maker (as the photographer put it).  Enjoyed a lax day at home with both grandmas and uncles.. opened a ton of presents so many clothes, so little time (same with cookies).  Note to self look in the new dishwasher if I can't find a dish... haha.  Then headed over to gamps and gams on Marine View Drive to be with Auntie's Leslie, Christie, and Laura.. and cousin Martino too.  Such a great dinner, laughs, and warm holiday toasts with special mentions of Cin's Mom, Alma, who just adored Christmas and the tradition of family getting together and sharing a day of love and togetherness.  Cam wore his antlers without even a smidgen of protest... pic soon to follow.  All in all, a smashing success.. next year he'll be mobile, god help us all.  Here's to the New Year.... 

A beautiful life...

.. and we're gonna get married

congrats to Carie and D!  


the couple announcing their engagement this week.  many well wishes and love sent to my girl and over facebook by some 150+ closest friends...  i can't wait to help plan the event, and to see a besty get married.  i will surely be snappy, snappy w/ the camera and will share the images on my website once processed.  the date is coming in 2012, stay tuned.  two great peeps with great friends - sure to be a fun time for all involved.  one for the books.  love you girl!

huz guy

dearest head detective.  happy fourth anniversary lover. four years into our mission 'operation nuptials', and tho at times it seems like mission impossible, i'd rather tread waters with you to float in calm ones without you. thank you for all you do for me, my crazy kin folks, and for all your hard work in school.  i'm blessed to have a husband who whole heartedly and unconditionally chooses to love me every day and who is focused on a way to make our tomorrow's a better day and our roads traveled a better way.  Even tho we may get frustrated at how we sometimes feel invisible to those close enough to take and interest in our life: pls. know even if we are.. i'm here cherishing your gift of love and friendship. all my love. melspy xoxo.  i wrote this a year and a half ago for our fourth anniversary, and revisit it regularly to remind myself how lucky i am to have a huzguy like tay.  now that we've started our family, and our nerves are a bit tattered and torn with the sleep deprivation and new routines i wanted to include it online to visit anytime. lucky indeed, in love indeed.  blessed.  indeed.

graciously grateful

been keeping a gratitude journal for a month now. many differences are noted throughout my days since taking on this project. since starting, i feel more present in the now. and the bantar in my mind has been calmed, not silenced, but calmed. soothed by the little things i'll note to reference in my journal throughout the day. i notice when i'm consumed by anxiety or angst, or am preoccupied by things that are out of my control... all of a sudden. i'll see something, like a couple kissing before separating; or, a pretty reflection in a building window; or, i'll simply think of one of the many entries i've made recently about things i'm grateful for and something lifts away and releases me from the sandtraps inside of me. so, the month long project now has a permanent leather bound booklet that will be maintained regularly and reviewed just as often to remember.. all the things i have to be grateful for - and i'm confident that all the blessings that have yet to find me will follow the path i've lit, like a pot of gold at the end of my rainbow.  


my first month, i am grateful for....


being ok with letting go
trusting in the trustworthy
sound presence of mind and body
not sweating small stuff
full moons
warm suns
bright stars
blue skies
all things soft and furry
rose gardens
BBQs and picnics
the science of fighting cancer
an inherient will to succeed
troops serving overseas,
my brother's sobriety
gizmo, my keekeemowmow
our tempurpedic bed
music, big bass, and dance
artistic expression
an open mind and heart
being present in the NOW
the higher powers that be
sunsets over mountains
my husband
every breath my sweet baby Cam takes
the first and last smile of the day from my baby
my sick sense of humor
believing there is more good than evil
trying to do a little better than the day before
that mom's surrounded by good friends
celebrating less drama in my life
a baby's laugh
the signs, signs, everywhere the signs
random acts of kindness
winter boots and summer sandals
medical insurance
not being addicted to facebook
warm bunting blankets
busses that are on time
a warm fire in the fireplace
a good night's sleep
long showers and yummy smelling soaps
fall colors
fresh, cold, apple cider
comfy pair of shoes
honey bees
a full cart of groceries
betty white's take on things
turntables and vinyl, vinyl, vinyl
an imminent great awakening
spoken word and self truths
colors, sounds, tastes, smells
trippple americanos
my guardian angels
animal rights activists
paydays
visits with good friends
northern lights #5
seeing change as an opportunity
rattlesnakes and charms on the dancefloor
our marriage
being able to say no
being with family during holidays
that the 99% are mobilizing
mt. rainer on a clear morning
niners are in it to win it
having coworkers that i enjoy
the journey
that pops got to know byron
gammy watching cam during the day
tay graduating with honors
the bass providing a secret hiding place
ttl (through the lens)
pumpkin costumes
dead cell phones
finding out how many licks it takes to get to the center
great architecture
those willing to stand up for less fortunate
people that truly give a fuck
my canon rebel xti
that the underground will never die, like cockroaches, always living
industrial fans on hot sweaty days
a walk on alki with my hubby
new tree freshner in our car
a good haircut and color job
having a window view at work
my boss
burps
soundcloud.com
graffiti, urban art installations, and sculpture
post it notes
video chats with mom
good water pressure in our shower
rats on cocaine and strongbad emails
neon signs at night
the sealion's bark echoing up the bluff from alki
the viaduct is finally demolished
date night with hubby
feeling
hoping
believing
louie, my kit-de-fuk-a-huz-guy, and i had our time and space (I love you meenomow)
old school hip hop, bringing it back to catch the break
a good laugh at no one's expense
sweatin it out on the dancefloor
my waterproof jacket
headphones and earplugs
thinking outside of the box
inspiring design concepts
a good, clear, concise font
mindless entertainment
red gumballs
cooliris
external hardrives filled with thousands and thousands of memories
the scrapbooks my mom made for me
my memories of my grandmas
being a tomboy growing up
not being a pussy
saying what i feel, and feeling what i say

All Business

Let Sleeping Babies Lie

Things get bad, and then I'll look down into my arms and see something like this. Things aren't that bad, and then I count my blessings. Baby Love.

Rise Up

Crush orange veils allow her to hide,
White hot flames forgive as she secretly cries.
Eager to feel it, eager to sting,
Preferring pain to not a fucking thing.

Her Desire…..

Enticing winds, to carry her high….. and, then higher.
Lightning bolts strike, angry winds roar,
Treat the rogue wind as a friend to gracefully soar.

wind her blood,
thunder,

her beat, energizing her soul,
clouds,

reviving her feet….

Cartwheels to tumbles… now, mortal ground,
Dark wings retract – a new will is found.

Red to Maroon.
Angst to Love.

Raw yet refined
A Fenix to a dove.

Trust

Is there a difference in trusting someone and trusting in someone? I am a believer that there is a difference. I seem to be putting my trust into people. The wrong people.

What does that say about me? Am I expecting people to do what they say they will do, when I should be doing them for myself? It seems when I trust in someone there is something they have that I think I need, or something I have that I want them to take away.. whether feelings of loneliness, validation, shame, guilt, or forgiveness. Its a new way to see things.

If I ask someone why they weren't trustworthy or why they did not follow through with what they said, usually they would tell me they're trying their best. And then say, “if that wasn't good enough for you – then that's your problem”. True. But if I look at it longer I see/hear something different. When I look at it without expectation I understand a person who is trying their best, isn't doing their best.

Trust isn't something that is given, or earned. Trust is inherent in the soul. Either you trust or you do not. Its poor judgment that causes my trust to be placed recklessly. I am prone to ignoring an inward intuition and instead become a victim of my poor judgment, not of others trustworthiness. An empowering concept.

I'm not interpreting my own needs and universal signs that will lead me to place my trust within myself, first. That trust can not be broken, only ignored and neglected.

Being a new mom has helped me see that I need to correct this pattern. When I look at my son. I trust something bigger than myself. I trust the gift given from a higher power, that I am capable of providing all he needs. When I feel overwhelmed, and I do, a lot, I find solace in this thought. I trust that I will meet all of his needs today. I trust in all that is good.

I trust that my experiences today will lead me to a greater understanding that will lead to a greater wisdom, that will become a part of my conscience.

Trust in oneself.

my 'lil man

Each night I lay you down to sleep,
I gently kiss your head and cheek.
I count your little fingers and toes;
I memorize your eyes and nose.
I linger at your nursery door,
Awed each day I love you more.

 


Through misty eyes, I dim the light,
I whisper, "I love you" every night.
I loved you from the very start,
You stole my breath, embraced my heart.
As mother and child our journeys begin,
My heart's yours forever my little man.

Sign on the Dotted Line

Change.org|Start Petition

You can make a difference, by signing petitions started via this wonderful website.  Pick the topic above or visit the website to make your personalized choice...

Spiker's Sleeper in Seattle

Spiker's Sleeper in Seattle .... Honda Tuning magazine showcases my bro's car in a 5 page spread... The cars been a blessing.  He's made lots of good friends building it, spent lots of good times working on it, and it motivates him to work his program and live in sobriety. It's a beast as you can see, not unlike the man himself.. a Freemonster you might say... haha.  I gotta say, a pretty creative clan  I come from.  Pop is building America, Mom could open a gift shop with her crafty ways and greeting cards (not to mention wood working and painting), I got this photography thing going, and Spiker, well, he likes to go fast.  He studies and learns how to make his own fast.  I mean, come on, blow a transmission, limp the car home, pull it out, rebuild it, put it back in and make it back to the street's last race of the night - CRAZY.  Proud of ya bro, you build fast.  Left turn nigga!

Decibel Festival - Mothership Boat Cruise

Uniting Souls presents the Decibel Festival Mothership Boat Cruise, with Catz n Dogz from the U.K. headlining on the main deck.  Skillz to pay the billz!  Good music, beautiful weather.  See more at http://www.unitingsouls.com/gallery.  And be sure to catch the boat next year.

Space Needle, circa 1964

Embarking on a scanning project of hundreds of photos from parent's wedding, honeymoon (to Seattle and British Columbia), yesterday's raves, old flyer art, and some sketches.  Time consuming, but since a fire at a relatives house - I realize its time well spent.  History is fragile, and deserves archiving.  The photos from 1950's are a trip.  I learned that my grandma liked to stick her tongue out at cameras, and that my dad looks like Georgie from the movie Blow.  And my mom's skin - forget about it... what did they use for product back in the day?  Cold creams, from what I understand. 

cat's love vinyl

Love is.....

Lake Union Boat Party

Uniting Souls threw a boat party featuring Deepvibez, Mercedes, and Jeremy Nail - we left the dock at 10:00 and cruised for 3 hours. My huzguy was stoked with the stiff drinks poured and everyone was lovin' the music. Mercedes represents for the ladies! Another highlight, hearing C.J. Bolland's OG fav Sugar is Sweeter - a hard to find record being rocked on the Technics.. Word up SugarD.  
 
 
 

lovin' seattle sunrise

 

Troy Duncan RIP

Letter from a friend on the superhighway:

Wow those photos of Super that "song posted" are so heady, my mind is
swirling! troy you must check out my space I found a video of a party
that was on you tube. Maybe you have seen. maybe not! It is mind
blowing, Doug is the D.J. your designs are worn by many, and Jills
designs are on the girls. Your Jazzadelic sign is held by you and then
girls. Troy this video is so hot and its grips you in the core of your
being. You are creation. I am honored to have been a part of Super
but alas I see now that I am truly missing out on the next level.
Doug's music is so flipping all consuming and the dancing is aligned .
When I watch it desire grips my soul. I've been so proud of myself for
calming down. This video makes me realize being calm is not entirely
fulfilling. It was such a challenge for me, I really had to work at
changing my life. But this vid awakens the part of me that I have been
suppressing. Super has grown strong into the next dimension. Still
going strong. You are a gift to all that are lucky enough to have
entered into your dream. I always wish you the best and please always
take care of yourself. I sure do miss Tarek. I keep a big photo of him
by my bed. I feel he always helping me from the spiritual side to heal
my life. I wonder what ever happened to Tony? Did you ever hear
anything? I really enjoyed knowing him. The last I heard he was sick.
Do you know if he pulled through? I feel bad for him, he was so full of
life but also loved to be so tragic that I imagine the tragic side of
him was taking over. One of my favorite memories of him was when
Superhighway would get crowded at the begging of the night and he would
stand in the area with the round couch by the water bar and scream "I'm
NAKED" then a pause "UNDER MY CLOTHES", then yell it again in a few.
ALL THE LITTLE NEWBIES WOULD LOOK AT HIM WITH TOTAL AMAZMENT!
I still have maybe four of his journals. I have the one from Super highway era.
Its really cool as he's always talking about all of us. My favorite
thing to remember about Tarek was a certain debate we had, that lasted
for a few months due to my blockheaddedness. I loved arguing with
Tarek.I was on this kick of pointing out what I thought was not good
for humans and I was saying different things were not natural! He
convinced me that anything humans have ever done or created(or will
create in the future) is Natural because he would say,"Well, Did it
come from another planet"? I'd have to answer no. SO he would win every
time. He was right so right in fact I cannot even remember what I
thought was so unnatural. Plastic and Hydroginated food, maybe
technology,or things I feared. So now I know no matter how much
something may seem unnatural to humans, it is natural, because we
created it here with the resources that we have on our planet. I find
it compelling what a good friend he was to all of us. He was really
a pure heart and generous with himself, a good listener, ect..
He inspired me to be a better person. I'm sad to say that was after he was gone. I only
wish I could have been a better person while he was here to see it. One
good thing I did was the night I made his a throne in the green room,
that was so much fun. I cooked for him and I cared for him, when he was
sleeping and I lived downstairs in the box I would hear him choking and
go stand over him to make sure he was breathing. I knew this was a
dangerous situation. He was so caring for his friend but he really
would not give himself that same measure of care. Not in the way that
could have made a difference. He didn't like to be bothered about it. I
made him really upset once, telling him to make his health a priority.
I know you used to get on his case about it to. He would just sort of
retreat. I hate death. I used to think that I was not scared of it. I
am. I just can't wrap me head around it. I just can't stand the thought
of it. Not for me or anyone I love. I know its probably just another
dimension I have to force myself to find that comforting. I always
think that If he wants, He can check on all of us, when he wants but
He is part of the great expansion, and I like to imagine him doing
great things that I really cannot imagine, like creating music for the
heavens) guiding our spirits. Loving us. I had a sort of second Mom,
that I knew since I was 2, she was my protector, stepping in when my
mom was not able to protect me. When I was old enough she told me the
truth about what had transpired. She had cut my mom off but continued
to talk to me. She helped me to overcome and over the years she was
always good for a nice long phone call. Her voice was a source of
comfort for me. Since my mom has had advanced alzheimers for five years
now( and cannot talk or remember me), I really reached out to Hannah .
It was great having her there to fill the void. She came to Berkeley
in November I spent the day with her. It was the firs time I had seen
her in like 15 years (lots of long talk over the phone) so I got to see
her and that was great although sort of scary as I saw in her eyes how
she seemed to be almost gone(almost like the vacant look in my mothers
eyes after the alzheimers) and very bad veins on her feet, unlike
anything I have ever seen, I knew her time was short. It was alarming
but that a fact of life people get old. It was just such a shock as her
voice sounded the same. Since I had not seen her in all those years
only spoken to her I just did not realize. Well In late December she
was painting and she took a cat nap. She had sleep apnea
and had been sleeping with a breathing aparatus for years, she fell
asleep without it. Just a nap, She died, with the paintbrush still in
her hand. She died peacefully and I know her body was tired.THat's two
people that have passed due to sleep apnea. Considering Tarek would not
wear the breathing thing, we were lucky to have him as long as we did.
Breathe Deep love peace Any thoughts on life and death would be greatly
welcomed. I used to be so carefree, one thing that has changed in me in
that I have a lot of strong urges to preserve and be safe and careful.
Maybe it's my age. I turned 40 this X-Mas eve. Now I am getting
married. I think I am scared of variables now. I would not mind living
a very long life. You have to live a very long life, You have a
beautiful son. Im so glad he came into your life. I'll let you go now.
I hope I have not said anything disturbing! This time or the last time.
You are a very strong being and so full of love and creation. Take
care, Love Lovlin

eye of seattle

 

polaroids

 

port of seattle

 

happy camper

welcome to our view at our camping site.... nice..

vashon ferry dock

 

fireworks on vashon

 
 

united hustlers

 

seattle sunrise

 

one by one

 

tree of life

 

friendly sunsets

 
 

Marine View Sunset

 
 

nobody does brat like me...